Moving ON mode switch busted….
Friday, March 6, 2009
When my Dad and my fiance’s dad finally met in Manila 21 days before he passed awayCasa Armas Glorietta 2 Makati City February 2, 2009
How much I put myself in mere trickery that papa just went out of the country or somewhere and instantly decided to forget about us here in the Philippines — my mixed feelings of grandeur denial and minimal acceptance just builds up
creeping and accumulating every inch of my being
consuming and piercing my dreaded soul
I just end up in tears…
I try to put on different kinds of masks –
strong masks, courageous ones, unaffected poker faces…
but, at the end of the day when I don’t need to wear them anymore,
my knees weaken and I fall myself breaks down
and feel extremely cheated without any chance of recourse
river of emotions…
streams of memories and thoughts…
trafficked within me everything’s cluttered and I don’t see clarity –
I guess no formula is going to work with grieving.
That’s the sad fact.
It is only when I will genuinely learn to accept and embrace that papa is gone.
Until that day beckons,
I still feel the pain
I still feel the surreality of things
I will never see him again
touch him again
feel him again
hear him again in this lifetime…
But, the voice within tells me to be still and accept –
“Thy will be done!”
and eventually shake these all off…
pick up the pieces and move on with my life –
with a head held high
a father remembered
and a cross to surrender…
